A question occasionally asked of my wives is, "Don't you get jealous?" The jealousy bug can bite anyone, at any time, and in a variety of different relationship types. Western romantic literature, art, and cinema glorify the passionate lover who, with reckless abandon sacrifices commitment, responsibility, reason, and others on the alter of unfettered feelings. This passion without principle is coupled with jealousy and a host of other ill feelings that richly sow a breeding ground of discord and destructive behavior. Jealousy seems to be universal to the human experience. So what can you do about it?
Were you to peruse periodicals from Cosmo to medical journals to Internet articles, you would find that psychologists and relationship gurus generally define jealousy as a reaction to a perceived threat--real or imagined--to a valued relationship or to its quality. Then the psychiatrist/guru tend to go on to describe some manifestations of the symptoms and techniques for dealing with them. This is typical Western mindset - give the problem a shallow definition, broad enough to cover the concept but specific enough to still be useful. Then give equally shallow solutions based on that definition.
In Western culture the "feeling" is the end all, the destination, the ultimate experience to which all else is beholden. To the shrinks and the gurus, jealousy just is; an emotion we all have; a symptom to treat as it becomes an issue. This means the hard questions usually go unasked. What is jealousy? Why am I jealous? How do I effectively handle and resolve it.
To begin answering these questions in a substantive way, we should agree on some foundational points. Let us agree that emotions and feelings are a byproduct of thought and patterns of thought. Feelings don't just happen to you, they are the results of your thoughts. Now let us agree that we are agents able to choose our thought and thought patterns if we care to engage. And finally, let us agree that thought and thought patterns which enlighten the mind, enlarge the soul, and bring peace and love are desirable. And those thought and thought patterns which contract the mind, shrink the soul, and bring strife and jealousy are undesirable.
Jealousy is a feeling most consider undesirable. The feeling of jealousy is a byproduct of a pattern of thought. What is that pattern? In my opinion, the very heart of jealousy is ingratitude. That goes for any jealousy - professional, romantic, material. . . you name it. Take a minute and really think about that. . . Ingratitude is a pattern of thought. It is the root of jealousy, competition, and comparison. Ingratitude has no faith there is anything bigger than itself. Ingratitude says everything I am and everything I got is because of me. It is scarcity as a thought pattern. So it is easily threatened by anything or anyone else who may diminish or take away from its illusory control.
Now that we exposed the what, the why, and the how of jealousy. . . how do we handle and resolve it?
Choose Responsibility - Take responsibility for you feelings, emotions, and the thought patterns behind them. You are not a victim, feelings do not just happen to you. It is time for you to choose! Stop reacting and start responding. When feelings of jealousy start to rise. . .STOP. . . ask yourself what is the line of thought leading to this emotional response. If you are practiced at your reactions it may take some time to self analyze your emotions and thoughts. . . dig in and dig deep, really probe your mind. Once you're able to isolate and analyze the thoughts leading to your reaction, you may begin to change and re-script your thought pattern.
Practice Gratitude - Internalize the attitude of gratitude and make it more than a platitude. Gratitude is the antithesis of ingratitude. . . the Kryptonite of jealousy. If you are in the first steps of re-cultivating a spirit of gratitude, this is when some technique can be helpful. Pick what works for you.
gratitude rock
gratitude journal
verbal thank you in each footstep when you start your day
gratitude vision board
personal prayer of gratitude for each victory throughout the day
gratitude devotional with sunrise on the porch and something warm to drink
gratitude devotional each sunset
verbally speak 10 things your grateful for each time you feel jealousy
You think of a gratitude practice that is meaningful to you. Make Thank You the mantra of your life!
Look up, Look Inward, but quit Looking Around - It's never fair when you compare. If you find yourself looking around at what others have, what you don't, and. . . GO BACK to Choose Responsibility and Practice Gratitude.
Jealousy can be managed and overcome. This emotion and the destructive thinking that goes with it can be put away. Let us gratefully find our happiness and be our best selves instead of about ourselves.
4 comments:
Dude-- a woman feeling jealous can also be a red light indicator that there is a need to feel loved that isn't being met.
Maybe they "don't feel secure" in the relationship because they don't feel that they are loved.
Hint: 5 love languages and a lot of work. This isn't always just the fault of the person feeling jealous.
Its always easier to tell someone else how to fix their problem than fix your own.
Something you said reminded me of a thought that was given to me:
Gaze Upward
Look Inward
Reach Outward
Press Forward
Humm I'll have to ponder about whether It's just ingratitude. I would submit the opinion of other elements. There is an element of self centered (you focus on yourself and how it hurts you) You did elude to that. I also submit it has an element of pain in failed expectaions (which in a way can be a branch of the affore mentioned vice.) An example of that pain is thinking that they should act THIS way, or it seems to lessen you. They probably think So and so is better than me -I can tell because they're not doing THIS. I'm not good enought 'cuz they're not doing THIS. An aditional solution I was thinking about was Charity and Self Esteem. If you are happy for that person no matter what because you are sure in who you are and your value, you'll be untouchable. Then even if they are doing something most feel jelous about, you can shrug it off and continue with life. Or let go of those feelings.
Does this make sence?
As a plural wife, I am familiar with jealousy from both sides and I believe it is rooted in insecurity. If one is secure in one's relationship with oneself and with one's God and, hopefully, with one's husband, there is no jealousy. Gratitude is an important route to security in one's relationship to God.
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