Inspire, not require. . .a call for real Men

In the last couple of posts I have been promoting the need for women to honor and obey their husbands. I have outlined the why and some of the hows. . .now it is time to examine what kind of husband inspires his wife to honor and obey.

In today's society there is a dearth of real men. Most boys are wondering what a real man is, what he does, how he becomes one. For most, being a man is related to a driver's licence, sexual conquest, drinking, sports, age, etc. . .you can list em'. But all these things smack of macho more than manhood.

I need to give credit where credit is due. . .I got most of the principles and ideas I will share from a book I read years ago, Raising a Modern Day Knight by Robert Lewis. In this book Mr. Lewis outlines the best definition of manhood I have come across. He also shares why and how to establish rites of passage for boys; to teach and reinforce the principles of real manhood. Without further ado, a real man. . .

Rejects Passivity - Hey guys, we tend to be passive, and passive aggressive. Most of the time it is small stuff. . .

Whatcha wanna watch tonight?
I dunno, whatever.
Comedy or romance?
Uh, whatever you wanna watch is fine.
Give me an idea!
Ok, what ever movie you want to see, lets watch that.
Aaaaagh!

Although this will drive your women nuts, this is not the stuff I'm talking about, I'm talking about the big stuff.

Honey, our son has been really aggressive lately. . .what should we do?
I dunno, whatever.
Well, how should we handle this?
Uh, whatever you wanna do is fine.
Give me an idea!
Ok, what ever you want to do, lets do that.
Aaaaaagh!

I'm not saying you should always have or know the answer to every big issue that comes up, but you do need to get off your butt and work to find the answer/s. Engage! Be involved! Muster mind, manpower, and resources! Be a companion in finding solutions and resolving issues. REJECT PASSIVITY!

Congratulations, you have taken your first step into real manhood. Next, a real man. . .

Accepts Responsibility

"The price of greatness is responsibility." - Sir Winston Leonard Spenser Churchill

Accepting responsibility is about being accountable -- accountable for the choices and decisions you make and their consequences. A real man is accountable to his God, to his conscience, to his wife/wives, to his family, and to his role in the world at large.

You should own your victories and your mistakes and learn from them both.
Leads Courageously

Women need security and stability. In the absence of leadership, a woman will step in to fill the void. Don't be that void. True leadership consists of searching for wisdom to know the right, having the will to choose it, and finding the strength to make it endure (10 points if you can figure out where I got that from). Search and find the right vision for you and your family, share that vision, and be courageous in leading your family in pursuit of that vision.

Seeks the Greater Reward

Discipline is a mark of manhood, putting off what you want now for what you want most. Doing what is hard to achieve what is best. Saying no wrong and yes to what is right.

I believe real men inspire the confidence of their wives and family. It becomes a delight for your wife/wives to honor and obey you.

Obey my husband! . . .Whadda ya mean?

What do I mean when I say honor and obey your husband? Let me give you my take.

Thoughts, words, and actions summarize our interactions with everyone and everything around us. I will frame my opinions of what it means to "honor and obey" in these terms.

In my Manly opinion, there are two aspects to honoring your husband; the honor you give your husband and the honor you bring to your husband. The distinction between the two is shared with the distinction between Private and Public Virtue. The honor you give is about how you treat your husband privately and the honor you bring is about how you represent your husband publicly.

The honor you give your husband

Thoughts - Assume the best! Believe he is capable, creative, resourceful, responsible, powerful, and madly in love with you. If you think, reinforce (overlooking occasional lapses), and believe this about your man, the shift in your attitude and his behavior will be enormous. Every Man wants to be the knight for his lady fair. When he senses your confidence and belief in him he will stop at nothing to fulfill it.

Words - Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?! Before anything passes from your lips, it should meet all three criteria. Once in a great while the third criteria might have to be suspended for the greater good, but that should be in an extremely rare instance.

Tone is everything. Your voice should be music to his ears and the song of his heart. Avoid harsh tones or the tones you use with your children when you speak to your husband. Children hear tones, not words. They will pick up ques on how they should interact with their father from your tone with him. This has a strong influence on how the children will treat their father and how they will treat you.

Action - Be a flirt and a lover to your husband. I found a gem when it comes to advice on how to flirt with your husband. And as far as being a lover... check out some books, do a little studying, and then practice, practice, practice. Oh, and one more bit of advice on being a great lover. . . really love the man! The love in your smile, your eyes, and your touch will do more than any technique could ever do.

The honor you bring to your husband

Thoughts - Let your thoughts dwell with him. Whether in books, magazines, a girlfriend's husband, a co - worker, or the gym, don't let your mind stray to other men or the qualities other men have that you wish he had. The "if only he were. . ." Think on him and admire, adore, and appreciate his strengths and qualities. People respect women who are loyal and subsequently, people respect their husbands.

Words - Uplift and protect his good name. Many will advise against publicly humiliating, criticizing, demeaning, or undermining your husband. How much more important is it to refrain from doing so with peers or parents away from his presence. It is one thing to seek counsel in confidence from a trustworthy parent or professional with regards to a struggle or problem, quite another to make his flaws the butt of your joke and the subject of your whine session.

Pray for him. Your children should hear and catch you praying for and blessing him.

Actions - Be the best woman you can be. Be the woman he is proud to introduce to his co-workers and friends. Maintain an appropriate appearance for the occasion. I'm not talking about being a supermodel-- but PJs, dingy furry footwear, ratnest, and sunglasses to go grocery shopping? Do you look your best for when he comes home and brings a surprise guest? More important than looks, are you sincere and pleasant everywhere you go? Pleasant and personable always impresses more than pretty but prickly.

To obey a husband

Thoughts - Trust him. I'll say it again, trust him. Your husbands are not wrong as often as you think they are, and husbands are not right as often as we think we are. Many times you'll have an idea, and he'll have an idea and they are both reasonable ideas. Just because he doesn't see the brilliance and self evident rightness of your idea doesn't make him wrong. He has the responsibility of making the decision -- and he has the responsibility for the consequences. Trust him.

Words - Back him up and he'll have your back. Don't undermine his authority in front of others or his children. If you do, you diminish his desire and credibility to defend you.

Action - Be not downcast. When you have put your heads together and chosen a course, get behind it 100%, even if it was his idea and you know it won't work or yours is better. Let me share an experience to outline what I am talking about. 

I served a mission to the deaf community. During the course of my service I was given responsibility for the deaf program in an entire mission and a supervisor role over four companionships of sister missionaries. A new mission president came on board, then shortly after called me to his office. The mission president gave me an outline of how he wanted me to run the deaf program in his mission. He didn't ask me how it was being done, why it was being done, what my input is - nothin'. . . he just said how I was going to do it from now on. I was stunned. What is more, I knew what he was implementing wouldn't work! He had no idea what he was talking about. Here was a person I was accountable to, I was suppose to honor and obey, and he was directing to do something I knew would fail.

Part of my responsibilities were to contact each companionship at the end of the day and make sure they were home safe. As I was making my calls a particularly intuitive and wise sister missionary asked how I was doing. I explained to her what happened with the mission president and what he was asking me to do. She listened and then casually told me to do what the mission president directed. 

Are you crazy?! You know it won't work!

Is it breaking any commandments? 

Aaaah no. But. . . 

Do what he says, be sincere and do it 100% and then show the president the results.

Oh, ok.

She was right. Next meeting I presented and promoted the presidents plan and it was implemented. We chased the desired results for two months. I had another meeting with the mission president where showed him what we did and the results. He looked it over for a minute, looked up and said, "What do you suggest?" We re-implemented what was working before with a few additional plans and things picked up. 

Alright ladies, you have my take on why and how to honor and obey your husband. I hope it might help some and I would love to hear your take. Do you agree, disagree, have another point or idea?

Honor my husband! . . .pffft WHATEVER!

WARNING!

If your easily offended this may not be the post for you to read. If you don't know me personally, you may conclude I am a misogynist chauvin. If you know me personally, you may conclude I am misogynist chauvin. . . Try to make it through the whole post, then let me know what you think.

The role of men is under attack in America. You would not have to search long to discover the theme of most "family" or domestic sitcoms feature a clever and condescending wife/girlfriend/children patiently dealing with a bumbling idiot of a husband/boyfriend/father through life's little challenges - wa wa waaaah! It has become ingrained as an attitude in our contemporary culture. The pendulum has swung from Mrs. Clever/Lucy to King of Queens/George Lopez, and neither extreme is accurate or a beneficial reinforcement of attitudes.

Time and time again, in books, TV shows, articles, movies, and in real life. . . brides choke, chafe, dismiss, cut out, or mock the part of the wedding vow which binds them to "honor and obey" their husband. I'm not saying the media is responsible for this. In fact, I am one who believes media and entertainment are markers or indicators of existing and growing social trends.

I kid you not, I have been to five civil ceremonies and three temple sealings where the officiator gave advise along the lines of "do what she wants and you'll have a good marriage." The officiator actually thinks he is smarter than the God he professes, knows better than the Scriptures he professes to believe in, he dismisses the covenants he professes that God established and the bride just took! Am I the only one who thinks this might be a problem?!

We laugh at the jokes, promote the stereotypes, encourage the affeminization of men, and suppress the healthy male roles. . . all while wondering at the consequences to society!

• 50% divorce to marriage rate (Mormons have higher than national average, so don't smirk)
• Increase in repeat divorces
• A Fatherless rate as high as 80% in some demographics
• 20% increase in single parent homes (83% of which are mother/children)
• Sharp drop in total marriages
• Unmarried women will soon surpass the number of married women
• Steady increase in unmarried couple households

My world view embraces the idea that family is eternal and divine. I also believe our Creator established a family order which naturally promotes stability and happiness. The roles of men and women in the family are part of that order. I'm not talking about division of labor, God never appointed women as the eternal housemaid and cook. I am talking about roles - women nurture, nourish children and affirm their man; men protect, provide, lead the family and love their wives. Some may bristle at this notion, but I believe honest observation bears this out.

I can pop a bottle in a newborn baby's mouth, keep it fed but most would agree I am unable to pop out the baby and I don't hold a candle to the mother baby bond and the nurturing that goes on. It is a role that women are uniquely endowed to fulfill. Likewise a woman has a unique power to affirm and empower her man. When a woman loves, encourages, respects, and affirms her man - he will move mountains to lay a straight path for her.

Men are uniquely suited to their roles; one of which is to lead. There is a crucial need in society for the strong male role model. We need real men! When the natural role of men is diminished, undercut, dismissed and mocked the subsequent crisis in leadership leads to these startling statistics . . .

• 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes.
• 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes
• 75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes.
• 70% of juveniles in state operated institutions come from fatherless homes.
• 85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in fatherless homes.
• 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes.
• 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes.

These statistics translate to mean that children from a fatherless home are:

• 20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders
• 9 times more likely to drop out of high school
• 10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances
• 9 times more likely to end up in state operated institutions
• 20 times more likely to end up in prison
• 10 times more likely to commit rape
• 32 times more likely to run away from home

It is time for society to respect and value the strong male role model. Ladies, it starts with YOU! It begins with a commitment to love, respect, honor and obey your husband. We'll talk about the hows in the next post and the man's part in the next one after that. Ok, let me have it . . . bring on the comments.

Jealous?

A question occasionally asked of my wives is, "Don't you get jealous?" The jealousy bug can bite anyone, at any time, and in a variety of different relationship types.

Western romantic literature, art, and cinema glorify the passionate lover who, with reckless abandon sacrifices commitment, responsibility, reason, and others on the alter of unfettered feelings. This passion without principle is coupled with jealousy and a host of other ill feelings that richly sow a breeding ground of discord and destructive behavior. Jealousy seems to be universal to the human experience. So what can you do about it?

Were you to peruse periodicals from Cosmo to medical journals to Internet articles, you would find that psychologists and relationship gurus generally define jealousy as a reaction to a perceived threat--real or imagined--to a valued relationship or to its quality. Then the psychiatrist/guru tend to go on to describe some manifestations of the symptoms and techniques for dealing with them. This is typical Western mindset - give the problem a shallow definition, broad enough to cover the concept but specific enough to still be useful. Then give equally shallow solutions based on that definition.

In Western culture the "feeling" is the end all, the destination, the ultimate experience to which all else is beholden. To the shrinks and the gurus, jealousy just is; an emotion we all have; a symptom to treat as it becomes an issue. This means the hard questions usually go unasked. What is jealousy? Why am I jealous? How do I effectively handle and resolve it.

To begin answering these questions in a substantive way, we should agree on some foundational points. Let us agree that emotions and feelings are a byproduct of thought and patterns of thought. Feelings don't just happen to you, they are the results of your thoughts. Now let us agree that we are agents able to choose our thought and thought patterns if we care to engage. And finally, let us agree that thought and thought patterns which enlighten the mind, enlarge the soul, and bring peace and love are desirable. And those thought and thought patterns which contract the mind, shrink the soul, and bring strife and jealousy are undesirable.

Jealousy is a feeling most consider undesirable. The feeling of jealousy is a byproduct of a pattern of thought. What is that pattern? In my opinion, the very heart of jealousy is ingratitude. That goes for any jealousy - professional, romantic, material. . . you name it. Take a minute and really think about that. . . Ingratitude is a pattern of thought. It is the root of jealousy, competition, and comparison. Ingratitude has no faith there is anything bigger than itself. Ingratitude says everything I am and everything I got is because of me. It is scarcity as a thought pattern. So it is easily threatened by anything or anyone else who may diminish or take away from its illusory control.

Now that we exposed the what, the why, and the how of jealousy. . . how do we handle and resolve it?

Choose Responsibility - Take responsibility for you feelings, emotions, and the thought patterns behind them. You are not a victim, feelings do not just happen to you. It is time for you to choose! Stop reacting and start responding. When feelings of jealousy start to rise. . .STOP. . . ask yourself what is the line of thought leading to this emotional response. If you are practiced at your reactions it may take some time to self analyze your emotions and thoughts. . . dig in and dig deep, really probe your mind. Once you're able to isolate and analyze the thoughts leading to your reaction, you may begin to change and re-script your thought pattern.

Practice Gratitude - Internalize the attitude of gratitude and make it more than a platitude. Gratitude is the antithesis of ingratitude. . . the Kryptonite of jealousy. If you are in the first steps of re-cultivating a spirit of gratitude, this is when some technique can be helpful. Pick what works for you.

gratitude rock

gratitude journal

verbal thank you in each footstep when you start your day

gratitude vision board

personal prayer of gratitude for each victory throughout the day

gratitude devotional with sunrise on the porch and something warm to drink

gratitude devotional each sunset

verbally speak 10 things your grateful for each time you feel jealousy

You think of a gratitude practice that is meaningful to you. Make Thank You the mantra of your life!

Look up, Look Inward, but quit Looking Around - It's never fair when you compare. If you find yourself looking around at what others have, what you don't, and. . . GO BACK to Choose Responsibility and Practice Gratitude.

Jealousy can be managed and overcome. This emotion and the destructive thinking that goes with it can be put away. Let us gratefully find our happiness and be our best selves instead of about ourselves.

Society Closes a Closed Society

Recently I watched a 48 Hours episode on polygamy. It covered the subject in general with an emphasis on the recent events of the FLDS group and their Texas Yearning for Zion Ranch. On the whole, I thought it was fair. I was particularly pleased they showed some who live in this marriage system who were not part of closed societies.

http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/i_video/main500251.shtml?id=4133422n

At one point during the interview, Valerie indicates her fears of taking her child to the hospital for a broken bone because of the assumption of abuse due to her being a polygamist. This poignant statement highlights a central issue in the fight against institutional systemic abuse found in closed societies such as the FLDS.

Who closes a closed society? Society at large does!

Now at first blush, many may be offended at this statement. It may sound as if I am moving responsibility from the offenders/predators to the "outside world", further propagating their closed society.

Nothing could be further from my intent. I do want to make some points on how society can effectively open closed societies and eradicate criminal practices. I also want to point out pit falls to avoid.

Certainly any group which has practices outside of societal norms or morays adopt a private and secretive nature. This becomes even more embedded when the practices turn sinister, illegal, and immoral, especially under the banner of piety and religion. How can society protect individual and minority rights while discouraging and punishing criminal behavior? I'll tell you how to least effectively deal with it. . .use the cowboy diplomacy tactics of Texas. Have local law enforcement go into a community and take all the children at gun point based on a prank phone call. Ready, Fire!, Aim. . .

So what would be effective? Prosecute the crime not polygamy. Prosecute underage marriage, prosecute forced marriage, prosecute child abuse, prosecute rape and the other crimes that infringe on the rights of the individual and the defenseless. This will do three things.

1) It will move the discussion away from religious prejudice and bigotry, which the criminals involved with systemic abuse hide behind. The Texas debacle is a perfect example. Because Texas hauled away over 400 children just because they lived at the ranch, the FLDS now get parade all the parents who are monogamist, all who married after eighteen, and point out all the injustices. . . and they are! This sways public opinion and the politicians, now the 90% who weren't doing anything criminal may possibly vindicate the 10% who are villains. In addition, it will taint the Texas authorities and hamper their future efforts to prosecute the real abusers.

2) It will put the criminal offenders behind bars, and proactively discourage future abuse. If the Texas authorities investigated, gathered EVIDENCE, they could have two or three leaders and a half a dozen men behind bars. Currently they arrested zero criminal child abusers and over four hundred innocent children.

3) And finally, this policy will foster an atmosphere where victims will feel safe in reporting crime to authorities without fearing the break up of their families. How powerful would it be if a mother knew she could go to the authorities to protect her twelve year old daughter from and underage, forced marriage. Now, instead of just worrying about hell fire and being ostracized, she could be the reason all her children are taken away, all her sister-wives children are taken away, in fact her whole community gets their children taken away if she exercises the courage to reach out. What is more, nothing has been done that would deter the men and leaders who engaged in underage or forced marriages. Now they get to play the martyrs and the persecuted.

It is time for authorities to grow up and move away from their ethnocentric, egotistical, and ignorant models and methods. It is time to investigate, arrest, and prosecute the criminals, anywhere they may be found, for abuses against children and the innocent. These crimes are not any less heinous among monogamist or Christian cults. Stop engaging in bigotry and start engaging the real problem.

Some fundamental marriage advise

I recently celebrated my second year of marriage with Sharon. I have eight years with Red for a total of 10 years marriage experience. During this time I have learned a little about women, a lot about me and developed a reserve of marriage advise for young, uninterested couples or plurals.

Were I asked to give sage advise at a reception dinner toast, I would give the following...

Get a book keeper! - Finances are the number one source of friction in a marriage. There are several benefits to having a book keeper. A budget gets made and everyone tends to stick to it. The bills get paid on time and you don't have to lick the stamps and envelopes. When there has to be money talk, it tends to be much more civil and problem resolution oriented with a third party involved.

Don't let your expectations exceed your appreciation - Love each other for the little things and the great victories. Celebrate each other's accomplishments and efforts and they will only want to accomplish more for you. Every man wants to be the Knight in Shining Armor for his Lady and every woman wants to be the Lady Fair worth fighting dragons for. Praise in public and often, censure in private and very, very little. This principle is enormously powerful in maintaining a vibrant, loving and passionate relationships.

Go on a date weekly - remember why you fell in love each week.

The two most important things...in and out of this world

In my opinion, the two most important things in the world are intelligence and relationships. They are the most important things in this world because they are the only things you take out of this world. And I believe both are interconnected. . .

Whether you call it enlightenment, born again, mighty change of heart, conciouseness, self aware, or self realization - that moment you realize your interconnectedness and interdependance with everything else and with God - that is intelligence. Then you begin the practical expansion of your intelligence with right interactions with your fellow beings under this perspective.

Your cultivated personality and disposition attract others, like attracts like. Do you like who you are hanging out with? Do you like you? Do you nurture your core relationships? The people you want to be with forever - are you being the type of person they want to be with forever?

Your eternal life is made up of your filosophy, family and friends.