Blind leading the blind

My youngest son went to his eye doctor appointment to be tested and find out exactly how myopic (near sighted) he is. As it turns out he is severely near-sighted like his old man. Actually, his vision is slightly better than mine. But he is going to be fitted for his coke bottle glasses in a week.

Though I have worn contacts for fifteen years now, this has conjured a whole slew of memories from a way back when I had my coke bottle glasses. Having thick glasses has its definite pros and cons.

Pros - You learn who is real and who is not. This makes choosing friends much easier. Also, when I had my proverbial swan transformation in my junior year of high school I knew exactly who were the cool girls to date.

Cons - The heavy lenses hurt your nose and ears. You have to wear geeky glasses straps to belt your ocular achievement to your face. Soccer is painful and expensive when your the goalie. Last, but not least, you get made fun of. . . a lot.

This last issue led to several personality adaptations. I had to learn to get a skin as thick as my glasses. I also developed a quick wit and sharp tongue with which to verbally lash my adversaries (at least in my own mind). This was a kind of Cyrano de Bergerac approach to dealing with comments, stares, and bullies.

In Steve Martin's Roxanne, a modern adaptation of Cyrano, a bully calls the main character, Charlie, "big nose" This leads Charlie to come up with forty creative insults to replace this obviouse and ubiquitous one. Over the years I came up with a few good lines. While I won't come up with forty, were I to be called "coke bottles" by a bully, here are my top ten. . .

1) My glasses are so thick I see everything a second behind, the time it takes for light to travel through my lense

2) I'm spare parts for Hubble

3) I was the inspiration for bulletproof glass

4) Piss me off and I'll stand with the sun behind me and burn a hole through you!

5) I come in peace, take me to your leader

6) Aah ha ha ha! Now, all I need to complete my super laser weapon...are his glasses!

7) Who needs ski goggles...

8) The aquarium called... they're short on glass for the new whale tank

9) I stare down rampaging water buffalo

10) No, I mean really, I saw that comin' a mile away...